Dreams, Visions and Contemplations

Sharing what I have seen with both my inner eyes and my outer eyes.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Dreams 8

Bread During the Election

July 26, 1998

I had to bring some bread to my friend R. (she was indeed involved in politics at the time.) When I got to her place she wasn’t home. There was an election going on and there were 5 candidates, including the owner of our local newspaper. I had learned that another candidate was a First Nation woman from Assiniboia and I had voted for her.


Mill Towers Reflected in the Moon

July 30, 1998

The moon was full, very large and low in the East – the sun wasn’t set yet but it was in the West. We could see reflections of the local mill towers in the moon as well as the water tower. The whole town was reflected on the moon but the towers were seen clearly. My mother had recently moved near the mill towers and she had mixed emotions about it.


New York Silver Mining Fair

July 30, 1998

I was in New York at the center of the city; there was a fair going on. It must have been between the 1920’s and 1940’s. They were explaining how the city had developed and they showed a silver mining site and explained that silver had been the attraction to the city. Little towns, or quarters had been settled haphazardly within the area of the mines and this explained why the older part of New York wasn’t well planned (street-wise, etc…) There were gambling machines at the fair and you could gamble with large silver coins, silver dollars worth $2, or you could use silver nickels and dimes. Ice cream cost one nickel.


Rainbow Transformed into a Star

August 6, 1998

Mr. C. had died. On the day of his funeral a rainbow had appeared in the sky. Once the sun had set, the rainbow retreated into itself (folded up,) and it was transformed into a very large, bright star.

(Note: Mr. C. is the same one from the “Drunk Mom Visits University dream.” He was/is not very involved in our lives. He is my cousin’s paternal grandfather and lives out of town. The only point of interest here might be that it is from him that my cousin’s Native American roots stem from – his father was a First Nation.)


Four Spheres in Corners of the Universe

August 14, 1998

There were four bright lights in the sky – like big spheres of light in each corner of the universe. There was one sphere for each cardinal point, North, South, East and West. I was at my grandparents’ house, looking out the window, when a spaceship-like thing landed over the shed. It was lit or glowing silver, and there were 4 red lights in each bottom corner. This ship was square, cube-like and about the same size as the shed, 8’x8’. It blended in with the shed as though the shed had disappeared or taken the new form. I was praying and saying, “If this is a good thing then don’t let me be scared, make the things I see appear common.” Then out from the ship came walking N. (N. was a family friend, an older gentleman who became interested in spiritual matters and Reiki.) He had a big smile on his face and he kept repeating, “C’est beau en, c’est beau, je te l’avais dit que ça serait beau.” (Translation, “It’s beautiful eh, it’s beautiful, I told you it would be beautiful.” I let N. into the house and asked him what the message was but all he could do was smile. He was very tired so he went to lay down. He was glowing red and talking incoherently. I kept insisting that he give me the message but he was falling asleep and talking funny.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Vision / Experience 2

March 13, 1998

I write in my journal about the golden glow above the town. I see it almost every night and my friend C. also reports seeing it but she lives on the outskirts and she says that glow seems to hover just above the town itself. I also wrote the following, “A thought crossed my mind earlier, could this be The Light? Is this glow a conscious awareness? Is this light an opening to heaven or an omen?” Then I report the glow on the following dates: March 18, 1998 and twice on the week of April 2, 1998.

From my journal, "I just looked outside, it is 2:56 am, and the glow is visible, although it appears higher than usual."

I also recorded a memory of a dream from prior to 1997.


There was a strong wind, tornado-like force, and I was walking on the street when the rain began to fall fiercely. I took shelter at our Town Hall. When I went in the auditorium the storm had calmed but the roof had been blown off and I could see the sky above. Dark clouds were moving quickly across the sky in a south-east direction and leaving a clear sky in its wake. It was an unearthly blue and suddenly the sky opened up and I saw a man's face, he had a long white beard and all around him figures appeared, one in each corner. He spoke to me and said that I was just as much in heaven as I was on Earth, iit was just a matter of perception. He was right because when he had first appeared he was just a big face in the sky but when my perception had changed I was instantly surrounded by sky and stood right in front of him.


March 18, 1998

12:37 am

The sky suddenly went golden again, just above, leaving a band around the horizon looking normal and dark. tonight the golden glow is darker, almost like a very dark pink, it reminds me of a fire.


April 2, 1998

1:35 am

I noticed that the sky was aglow again. This is the second time now that I also notice that the horizon, towards the East is of a bluish glow, whereas everywhere else the horizon is black. When I went to bed at 3:15 am the sky was still glowing.

May 23, 1998

I received a letter from my father. I had asked him about Avidor Scribner and who it could be and in the letter he suggested I sit in a dim light and using a soft voice that I repeat Avidor's name three times and then let him know what happened. I attempted this and recorded the following:

I felt dizzy and then I became really relaxed. I experienced a sudden smell of olive oil. In the background and as though far away I could hear the television downstairs. "Europa, Europa" was playing. Then I heard a distant voice echoing, "They'll come for you." (It may have been from the television but it seemed to be meant as a message.) Suddenly I felt overwhelmed, the outer world felt like a weary place and I didn't feel at home. (I've had this recurring feeling for as long as I can remember - as though I am not at home.) The smell of olive oil is still present and I can't help but think about my grandfather. He used to take a teaspoon a day. I see a flashback of him reaching for the oily bottle, he seems old and wise. I tasted the olive oil and presently I am re-experiencing this. As I write this I can see my hand, it is writing and it appears as though I am merely observing someone else. I am well relaxed and will now drift off to sleep to see what a dream might reveal.

DREAM (that followed above experiment)

I was at a theater - I was a soldier. The theater was filled with soldiers. the guys played a (practical) joke on one of the soldiers. Someone's nickname was "Science," and he commanded a lot of authority. It felt to me like this was taking place in my home town many years earlier at a prisoner of war camp.


June 16, 1998

I recorded the following in my journal: “As usual before going to sleep I looked out my bedroom window at the tree to which I feel an affinity. It was like a nightly meditation where I would feel so attuned to the tree that it and I were like one. Suddenly, beyond the tree in the night sky, I saw what appeared to be a bright star. In a matter of seconds (nano-seconds even,) the star began expanding in an oval shape almost as big as the full moon. Then just as quickly as it had appeared and expanded it disappeared. I turned away scared and scanned my memories to try to find a comparable experience to explain what happened. None forthcoming, I turned to look at the sky again and I experienced it again. This time I was frightened and tried to wake my husband G. but he was not waking up so I went to get my oldest son C. and we didn’t see anything unusual.


August 7, 1998

I dreamt or experienced (can’t really tell if it was a dream or really happening,) “the bright light appeared in my window again – but this time I felt like I had been transported or had just arrived from somewhere.”


September 28, 1998

I reported seeing three stars forming a straight vertical line between Jupiter and due east. Then I also reported a dream about a diamond-shaped area of the night sky opened up revealing a summer landscape, where everything was radiating pale, pure light.

Dreams 7

Strange Flash of Light

June 20, 1998

I was at a local restaurant with my family and my best friend C. I was standing and looking at the menu when suddenly I saw a strange flash of light to the left of the page. (Within the dream,) I remembered the flash of light I’d experienced (in waking reality) on June 16, 1998. My oldest son had been concerned that it might be a tumour. (Back to the dream) my best friend also thought it might be a tumour and she rushed me to her car to take me to the hospital but she was walking so fast I could barely keep up with her.


Satellite Falls

June 28, 1998

A satellite fell out of the sky and landed on Frontenac Street. Everyone was scared so they started running to the nearby high school to hide. Once we were all in the school it became apparent that we’d been taken hostage by aliens. The aliens were human-looking and wore black uniforms.


Bees in Grandparents’ House

June 30, 1998

I walked to my grandparents’ land and I was surprised to see that the house and shed were still standing, pretty much exactly as I remembered it. I saw the neighbour’s youngest son coming out of the shed with some tools. He was fixing some of my oldest son’s baby toys – I remember a sleigh. The thought occurred to me that the neighbours were feeling guilty about the demolition and had decided to restore everything to their original state. I asked him what he was doing and he said something about having a baby so I congratulated him. He said, “F*ck you,” and I said, “What do you mean f*ck you?” He replied that his daughter was already born and that she was 15 years old.

I went to the house and the back door was missing. I saw a lot of bees; one bee was hanging on a string (like a spider web) in the doorway preparing to make a nest. All around there were construction people working. One of them was the neighbour’s older son.

They had put in a basement and I went to see. There was an old cupboard and inside I found a complete collection of antique glass bottles in all shapes, colours and sizes. I also found a matching set of wine goblets with my grandparents’ names inscribed on them – it had been a wedding present. On a tray I found angel pins and I told my mom that I now knew where all our pins had been going. (In waking reality, at the time, we had misplaced a lot of those.) In a cassette player I found a tape and played it – it was ABBA.

I saw my grandmother (I don’t know if in the dream she was deceased or still alive.) She was wearing a beautiful pink dress, her hair was set and she looked very nice. There was a Jewish man present; he was helping with the renovations, like he was the man responsible for the restoration.


Shaquille O’Neal and Stephen Hawkins

July 4, 1998

My mom, my best friend and I took a cab down a dirt road to a school. The school was hosting an event. There are famous guests in almost every classroom. We had heard that Shaquille O’Neal was going to make a surprise visit. My best friend and I searched the hallways to find O’Neal so we can get an autograph. Finally we think about going to the gym. A list showed that O’Neal was going to be at room 20 but at room 19 I saw that Stephen Hawkins was going to play cards with grade school children. I preferred to meet Hawkins and so I set about finding the classroom. I remembered that there was a teacher there named Mrs. Hawkins and thought we would find Stephen there. We passed her class three times and still I didn’t find Hawkins. Later we found out that he had decided not to attend, he didn’t like playing cards.


Scribner is a Lawyer

July 16, 1998

I had witnessed a murder. I had been at the arena with some friends under a big tent. One of the women had just split up from her husband and I saw him with a gun. He began following her and I hid behind parked cars and followed along. Suddenly he was in front of her and aimed the gun at her abdomen. She yelled, “Go ahead shoot me; it’s better than living like this.” He shot her. I ran and called the District (Crown) Attorney. The D.A. was a woman but it was a man who answered the phone. I explained that I had witnessed a murder and that I would have to testify that afternoon, it was a Monday. When I go to the office I noticed something fishy was going on. The man I’d talked to was actually the defence lawyer. I was worried that my testimony wouldn’t count because I had spoken to him. Then Avidor Scribner showed up – he was a lawyer. He was in his 40’s, had a large face, and curly brown hair. He looked at me and I knew he knew what had transpired but he gave me a reassuring look. I knew then that everything would be okay.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Dreams 6

June Eleventh

June 11, 1998

I was recording events (and dreams) in a diary and I wrote the date: June 11, 1887. As I was writing this date I woke up within the dream (I was still within a dream) my husband noticed the date and he told me that I had written the wrong year so I crossed it out and wrote June 11, 1987 but I realized it was 1997. (Somewhere inside I knew it was 1998.) I was recording an event that had occurred 6 or 7 days earlier on June 17 or 18th.

Dr. Bell, Mr. Lemon and the Governor

June 11, 1998

I had spoken to a friend named Mr. Lemon, who worked for a top secret government organization in the legal (Justice) department. I asked him to ask his friend in the medical department to prescribe something for my mother. This medication was difficult to come by. He referred me to the doctor and I was on my way to his office when someone approached me from behind and covered the name of the doctor; Dr. Bell, on the large brown envelope I was carrying. He told me his name should be kept hidden, it was highly confidential.

I found my way back to Mr. Lemon’s office but he was on his way out to a private meeting and Dr. Bell came to meet him. I was afraid of Dr. Bell. Then a man in a highly decorated uniform walked in. Everyone stepped aside to let him through; he was a governor or a general. He wore a black uniform with a white banner crosswise over his shoulder (like pageant banners,) white epaulettes, long boots with tassels attached to them, a large hat (like Napoleon’s hat,) and he was covered in medals. He also wore gloves and he had a sheathed sword on his right hip. He was greeting the familiar faces. When he saw me he gently took my right hand and said, “Enchanté,” and kissed the top of my hand. I smiled nervously and sort of bowed. He didn’t let go of my hand as he walked on a stage and as he climbed the stairs my hand was raised above my head. Then The Governor (as people called him) motioned for me to look up. I looked around and noticed that everyone had their hands raised and they were shouting something. The Governor let go of my hand buy I kept it raised, like the others. I didn’t shout anything but I kept thinking about the Nazi salute and wondering if that is what I was doing and I felt like a hypocrite and a traitor for not lowering my hand out of ignorance and fear.

Later I was at a friend’s house talking about her new place. She said she liked it but was lonely away from her grandchildren. We were just chatting when suddenly The Governor showed up with Dr. Bell. They wanted to interrogate me. The doctor wanted to kill me but The Governor stopped him. Then my friend Mr. Lemon showed up and I was hopeful but then I saw he was helpless. The Governor was polite but I detected sarcasm and felt like I was being coerced. I felt like I had been set up.

Three Planets and the Moon

June 11, 1998

I was in the backyard with my husband and the sky was bright. It was daytime but the moon was visible in the Eastern hemisphere. (I saw the 3 planets again but they were not in the exact location as in the prior dream.) All 3 planets were larger than the full moon and in the daytime sky they appeared white. One planet was just below the moon, one was beside it towards the right, and the 3rd planet was below the one on the right. Further right there were many clouds and above these clouds were faster moving clouds.

Dreams 5

Strange Brew Doppelganger

May 3, 1998

I was in our house but it was old and decrepit. I went upstairs and saw what first appeared as Pepsi creeping out from underneath my oldest son’s bedroom. Then I noticed there was some all over the place, on the walls, in the hall and on the floor. I called my husband to bring a mop. Then we noticed that it wasn’t Pepsi, it was a thick, golden-tan-like substance. We got scared and checked up on my son who was sleeping. We agreed that the house was haunted and that we were going to move out. Then I heard a whisper, “Doppelganger.”

(Note: I didn’t know, then, what Doppelganger was.)


French Salon re: Canada

(Sometime between) May 4-14, 1998

I was at a motel in France. The “salon,” was having a political discussion over the Separation of Quebec in Canada. The consensus of the French (from France,) was how stupid Canadians were… that we had to wake up and re-organize our government. There was a man acting as Parizeau, someone else was acting as René Levesque, complete with impressions. In attendance there was also an athletic type of muscular build named Pierre Brennan who was very handsome. He was a contender or winner of an athletic event. I met one of my friend’s uncles there too and when I saw him I immediately thought, “Adonis.” He was cute, shy poetic but very thin and pale.


Teniers Held in Manor by Willow Stick

May 24, 1998

I was told that Teniers was held in a manor by a willow stick, or he held a willow stick. Seems to me he was being held against his will – and he had been beaten. I don’t understand the willow – maybe it was a code name for something.


Clinton Assassinates Chretien

June 3, 1998

President Clinton stated, “This war is about power. The power with the most weapons, most money and most people is going to win.” They were at an airport or airbase. President Clinton himself stood near the landing airplane with a shotgun in his hand. He was surrounded by his soldiers and he was wearing yellow coveralls and protective earphones. He turned and said that he would not be intimidated by the other armies and he said that he would shoot point blank at the first sign of action regardless if Prime Minister Chretien was in the way or not. Chretien was either preparing to board the just landed place or had just disembarked from it. Clinton gave a signal and a shot was heard, followed by a bombardment of shooting from both sides. Amid the chaos, Clinton aimed and shot Chretien in the back, it was a planned assassination.


Fellini and Spiritual Books

June 3, 1998

I was visiting a large school. It was my birthday and I went in the basement to the library/gift shop. I went to the catalogue and searched under “F,” for Fellini or Filipé.” The library didn’t have anything by that author. I found some birthday cards and a book caught my eye. The jacket was white with gold lettering and the title contained “Spirit Within.” It was my 35th birthday and I was a member of a group. It was my duty to buy birthday cards for the members and being my birthday I picked my own card. I also bought a red or dark pink candle with white hearts that came with a SCRABBLE game – I already had a game but I thought to get the French version. As a member of the group I was only supposed to get a card so I paid for my gift with my own money.


Secret Grad Party and Planets

May 31, 1998

“Sunday May 31, 1998 at 5:5x am

There is a secret grad party at my husband’s aunt’s place. Everyone sneaks in the basement. We prepared 21 beds. Three women arrive while I look for pop, I send them down but I run out saying (or singing,) “it’s on the Happy, Happy party.”

A few of us, looking outside (standing on a patio looking up,) see star formations clearly – Pegasus looked like a unicorn, another formation looked like a witch flying backwards on a broom. The stars were very bright and three huge planets formed a triangle, Jupiter – Mars – Venus. The planets were huge and very detectable (if stars are size of dimes then the planet size looked like kitchen tables.) Jupiter was amber-like and we could see part of a ring around it. All 3 planets were covered in a fog-like film. The sun and moon were both visible, like an eclipse had missed its mark, and they just barely touched where they should have been fully covered. Just as the sun was heading back it appeared as though a particle came off of it (smaller than dime in other reference.) The closer that this piece was coming towards us the bigger it became and it dragged fire behind it and left a trail of smoke. It exploded when it hit our atmosphere (or some x-sphere just before our atmosphere.) As it exploded all the shards turned to ice. (The effect was like while driving a car and something hits your windshield but it looked and felt like it was coming directly for you.) The wind was very strong outside and I felt safer in the basement.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Dreams 4

Hand Print with Long Baby Finger

March 16, 1998

We went to visit my sister-in-law’s new house. They had just built a walkway in their garden. The path was lined with slabs of hardened sand and each tablet had hand prints on them. One caught my eye because the print had a baby finger longer than all the other fingers. My in-laws asked me if I recognized it but I didn’t. When they left, upset that I didn’t know whose it was, I looked under the tablet and saw on red silk, glowing in yellow light, my mother-in-law’s name. I was puzzled and wondered why her print was confused for mine and how we were connected?


Coincidence in Religious Magazine

April 1/2, 1998

Someone had given me a copy of a religious (spiritual) magazine. I experienced 2 coincidences; 1. The woman who had asked a question was from the same town as me and her name was Labbé, and 2. Although her question was different than my current situation the answer solved my problem.


Newspaper Clipping WWII Typhoon

April 5, 1998

I was cutting out clippings from newspapers. I had to give them to 5 (or so) people but I only had 3 newspapers. I clipped a two-page spread - it was an ad for a movie about WWII in 1943 and had “Typhoon” in the title. I also clipped a small article about senior dart tournament champions from a neighbouring town.

Mandalas 2

In these two mandalas I incorporated the Hebrew letters that had been appearing in a series of dreams. These dreams involved initiations and rituals that I'd never heard of before. On one occasion I was painting using the same letters when I was interupted by the door bell. It was the delivery of a book on Kabbalah and I was astonished to see the same letters inscribed all over the cover of the book. Later I learned that the letters were the tetragrammaton.

Dreams 3

Octagonal Box

December 21/22, 1997

I had to change a washer that connected between a metal tube and an octagonal box of flammable/toxic liquid. I had seen it done only once and now I was expected to handle it on my own. I proceeded to remove the old washer by closing the valve at the other end of the tube, and with a special tool, sealing the octagonal box. At this point I had no idea what I was supposed to do so I called the emergency number and asked for them to send the one on duty, who took care of these types of emergencies. The lady on the phone said that there was no one on duty, but I insisted she try to find her and send her over there. Then she said she could do that. I hung up the phone and returned to the machine. (This machine was used as a form of energy, it used radium, and/or oxygen, and/or hydrogen [or water.]) Just then the woman in charge appeared and continued the procedure, this time showing me step-by-step. Once the washer was back in place, the valve open again, and everything else sealed, the liquid in the glass-octagonal box began to bubble/boil. At this point the woman placed a dark tent over the box and we entered the tent. The liquid gave off light, like a pure light, silvery, very bright, but not hard on the eyes. The light would appear on the surface, one band at a time, and would follow the thoughts of the person handling it. In this case, the woman had all, except one band lit up, when her thoughts were distracted and all the lights fell back in the box. When the full box was illuminated (all bands lit up) you could ask questions, any questions (regarding the past, present or future,) and it would answer you.

Later, a woman who was in the hospital dying was hooked up to one of these machines and someone, or something, made love to her. This rejuvenated her. Through this method a woman was guaranteed a boy and this boy would be special and he would have red eyes. But the eyes would be masked and look like regular human eyes.

It seems there were two of these boys, alive and either a third boy on his way. The third one was being chased by some agency, or group, who had found out some of the facts, and they wanted to kill him, out of fear. So a team and I set about finding this third son and tried to protect him. (I’m not sure if the boy was born or if he was still in his mother’s womb.)


Grandpa Alive but Blind

January 9, 1998

On my way to visit the Nursing Home I stopped and talked with friends from my old apartment. They were outside and I asked L., “Is it just me or is the Nursing Home smaller than before?” She agreed that it was smaller. I continued to the Nursing home. When I got there the Nursing Home was normal (as it is now) but it still bugged me that I remembered it being a bigger place and more like a hospital. (Here, within the dream, I had memories of a Nursing Home dream where the Nursing Home was different than in actuality.) (Dream memory,) I remember visiting my grandmother in this dream, although she was dead, and seeing my grandfather who was extremely old and had become blind. Everyone had either forgotten that my grandparents were alive or they just actually believed that they were dead all along.


Bought the Church

February 15/16, 1998

I had bought the Church in my neighbourhood and I was converting it into a learning centre for spirituality. I was looking for someone to design the stained glass windows. Later, in this dream, I found out I was pregnant and I was going for some tests to confirm this.


Drunk Mom Visits University

February 19, 1998

I was in school (university) and a woman came in, disciplining the class. It turns out it was my mother and she was drunk. Mrs. C. had dropped a picture frame that held a photo of her and her husband. The frame had cracked and this was enough to bring her to tears.

Then I went to a theatre in a school; after the show the school was practically empty. M. was angry with his girlfriend, who just happened to be with me at the time. He locked me in the theatre and wanted me to get the 2 books his girlfriend had taken from him. I found the 2 books and we were about to leave when his girlfriend gave me a socket (made) of heavy metal and she expected me to hit M. over the head with it.

(Later,) I was laying down on the grass looking up in the sky when a message or pattern rather began to appear. The pattern was created of star-like lights in the dark sky. Someone said it was “the wave of the future,” and that in the next couple of weeks anyone would be able to send messages across the sky to anyone in the world.


Thursday, July 27, 2006

Dreams 2

Spanish Lessons

October 18, 1997

I was in a house and there was a couple there and they were learning what appeared to be Spanish. They said a few phrases and I tried to guess what they meant, then the husband said, “Buenos Diaz (Dias)” so I repeated and he appeared surprised. Later I was in another room (hallway or bathroom) and I was looking through their lesson books. One phrase that I remembered was Sitar Dyia.


Avidor Scribner

October 26, 1997

I had a dream within a dream. When I awoke from the deeper dream I couldn’t remember the deeper dream but I did remember having written it somewhere. In the regular dream I was sitting at the foot of the stairs (in my then current apartment,) when my right hand got really hot. I looked at my hand and there I had written a name and address from my deeper dream. When I awoke completely I remembered the name: Avidor Scribner; but the address was something along the lines of: 4 Ruins… In this regular dream I was aware that I was dreaming and went to a low-housing district; I was walking with my son D., it was dark out except for the street lights. There were some derogatory remarks painted on the pavement and a young couple walking behind us. I was a little bit scared, but not of the couple, or for us, but afraid for the couple (their safety.) They had never been in this neighbourhood and could be vulnerable to the gangs. I hurried home, or my mother’s house (I’m not sure whose place it was,) but she wasn’t there. There was some people there and a note on the table for me. My mother had left me a note saying that she had left a two dollar bill on the table and to help myself to supper. I was looking for the two dollar bill when a girl told me she had taken it and had replaced it with a check. So I took the check, without verifying the amount, and stuck it in my purse. There were all kinds of food on the table, mostly Italian dishes, but a few Chinese items (chicken balls and fried rice.) An old man, (in my dream he was my grandfather, and although he may have resembled him slightly, it wasn’t my grandfather,) asked me to get some cheese, like I always did, to put on the pasta dish. I went in the cupboard, that was filled with food, and got some canned parmesan, then I changed my mind and grated some fresh cheese (mozzarella and another white but firm cheese.) The rest is hazy, until I find myself on the stairs with the message in my hand.


Alpha and Beta

December 10/11, 1997

Alpha was the female spirit and Beta was the male spirit. Alpha and Beta were slipping in and out of the human consciousness of some of the characters in my dream. Beta became enthralled in his character and thought that the female character, which Alpha was associated with, had fallen off a cliff. Beta, now totally entwined with the male character, jumped off the cliff, not being able to bear a life without Alpha. (Beta, in his humanistic male form committed suicide.) The female character that Alpha embodied was shocked by the male’s death and decided to commit suicide herself. Alpha retreated from the female’s body and watched her die. Alpha is then seated alone, in a sort of mourning ritual, in an apartment, contemplating the events that had just taken place. She decided that her presence had somehow caused the destructive behaviour of humans and decided to hide deep within the heart of the female, to be found only by the enlightened.


Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Mandala

Mandala is the Sanskrit word for circle. Carl G. Jung, who mapped the psyche, was fascinated with the mandala. When first deciding to make your own path it is frightening and difficult for anyone and leaves you vulnerable, this is where Jung was when he discovered the value of mandalas. Every morning he sketched a circular drawing and he found that the drawing corresponded to his inner situation on a daily basis (Jung, Carl. “Confrontation with the Unconscious,” in Memories, Dreams, Reflections, pp 170-199.) Here is what Jung wrote of his own experiences with mandala drawing,

My mandalas were cryptograms concerning the state of the self which were
presented to me anew each day. In them I saw the self—that is, my whole
being—actively at work. To be sure, at first I could only dimly understand
them; but they seemed to me highly significant, and I guarded them like precious
pearls. I had the distinct feeling that they were something central, and
in time I acquired through them a living conception of the self. The self,
I thought, was like the monad which I am, and which is my world. The
mandala represents this monad, and corresponds to the microcosmic nature of the
psyche. (Pp 196)

For Carl Jung then, mandalas were expressions from the self. As Jung discovered, it is important to not set a goal while exploring the self. I would explain it this way, if I set myself a goal to find the artist in me, then I might not encounter the mother in me, or the inner child. Am I looking for a me that I already know? If I am busy looking for the me that I expect to find, then the self will elude me again. As Jung wrote, it is important to let us, “be carried along by the current, (pp 196).”

Another definition of the mandala is

A place where inner world, called the Self, and the outer world, called the
Universe, get together in your body. The mandala is your body, which represents
the entire universe. [It is,] the union or harmony of self and the universe,
inner world and outer world.

("Microcosmic symbol of the universe
and of the collective consciousness"--definition by Jung and Eliade) [Edited for
Comment to author: miyash@sils.umich.edu
November 3, 1996
URL: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~miyash/mandalathoery.html

Or, put another way:

If you’ve ever kept a photograph of your loved ones or looked at yourself in a mirror, then Michael Brown would say that these are ways of remaining connected to our loved ones. Furthermore, he would say that what we were seeing reflected in mirrors or photographs were views or images of the outside world. Mandalas are reflections too; they reflect our inner self, the inner workings of our psyche or soul. Brown writes,

… Mandalas can help us see what is going on within us, in our heart and
soul. They can help us remain connected to our Selves in fundamental ways and
can help us understand the meaning of important life experiences when we learn
how to create and interpret them. [And] …when we begin to take all of ourselves
into account, when we begin to honor and balance the dynamic forces within us,
we can act in the world in ways that honor our essential wholeness, get our
needs met, and allow us to share with others the very best within us.
(MANDALA SYMBOLISM (Reprinted from Coastal Pathways, Volume 3, No. 6,
July, 1991, Virginia Beach, Va) http://www.michaelbrown.org/html/mandala_symbolism.html)

Following is a progression of the mandalas I sketched beginning with my first one from 1998.

Note in reply to Bernie's comment I thought to include my 11 year old son's anime art work:


To show the progression I have decided to post my very first mandala:

This next mandala is after a couple of weeks:

This mandala came about from a dream vision of a tiny woman who used to lock herself in a cage in order to develop her creativity, her name was "The Golden One."

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


20 Cartier

The little humble house at 20 Cartier, the home of my grandparents, I remember so well. I’ve been receiving inner nudges to reflect upon this memory.

In 1986, my grandfather was then 80 years old, the roof needed redoing. His health had been failing him in the last two years. He had lost a lung to TB when he was a child yet he had persevered. He was a small man but very agile and in that very house’s backyard he performed his last cartwheel at 76. He was teaching me. The decision was made to place grandpa in long term care.

The neighbours got together and signed a petition stating that my grandparents’ house needed fixing or demolition. “Safety,” they cited as their main concern. “The house,” they said, “was not fit for an old woman to live in.” When my mom and my aunt had exhausted all avenues of potential funding the town sent their ultimatum, “demolish or we will.” It is funny however that at each town meeting we attended “safety,” never came up, it was always “depreciation of our (the neighbour’s) property,” that took precedence.

My grandfather told me stories about the days before the fire department and about all the neighbours running with pails of water to extinguish a fire down the street. He related how when the fire got out of hand and the house had been destroyed the neighbours had gotten together to help rebuild it. “How much did you get paid grandpa,” I asked. “Nothing,” he countered, “we did it out of the charity of our hearts.”

My grandfather was quite the story teller. Children from all over the neighbourhood gathered at his feet by his lawn chair to hear him speak of the “old days.” He also had scary ghost stories from the East Coast. Grandma would come out with a pitcher of juice and a plate of homemade cookies to keep us refreshed. Sometimes grandpa would pull out his fiddle and accompany grandma’s singing. If the weather got inclement then everyone moved into the living room and more plates of treats would come out. The coffee table would be moved out of the way to make room for jigging and tapping feet.

The town volunteered to demolish the house, for a price. The cost of demolishing was roughly the same as the cost for fixing the roof. “Not to worry,” they said, “we’ll take payments.” An old friend of the family came to the rescue and offered to help.

I remember winter nights in front of the old television set. It was freezing outside, 4 foot snow banks lined the street, but it was warm in that living room. There was a Stompin’ Tom Connors special on TV and grandpa said he met him in Timmins. The story was that my uncle, who lived and mined in Timmins did as most miners did to relieve the stress, he would hang out at the Maple Leaf Hotel and that is where he met Stompin Tom with his plank of wood - used for stomping of course. Story was that on one occasion the party wound up at my uncle’s house and my grandfather played the fiddle for Tom. I had the “Tragedy Trail” album and would sing and cry the words to all his songs. This album was particularly meaningful for our family because it spoke about the North we lived in. I always liked the way Stompin’ Tom could get into the root of things and I secretly fantasized that one day he would write about my grandparents. I guess it would be a second Tragedy album.

In hindsight I see that the loss of my grandparents was a tragedy, of course there’s personal loss, but the insight I gleamed was that their death coincided with the death of a way of life.

Ode to my Grandparents

Grandparents what ocean have you
Your message so surely would be lost
If not for your choice of
Upon the heart’s mantel

Grandparents of the
Gently you took my hand
We walked on water far and away
To reach
the break of day

Grandparents of the night
Show forth your
Afraid of the dark I pray
A reunion at the end of the

“Grandpa,” pull out your fiddle
“Grandma,” sing me a
Sing me to sleep tonight
I’m afraid things aren’t

“Grandpa,” so tall and strong
Tell them they are
The land you tilled now wastes
For the sake of popular

“Grandma,” so gentle and wise
Show them the way of their
The warmth you carefully cultivated
Today is ridiculed and now is

Grandparents please unite once more
The world needs
peace, not war
When we were stalling, unable to decide about demolishing the family home, (a decision that had already been made by someone else,) we were still coming to terms with it all, a proposition was made to sweeten the deal. The social services program in our area would buy the land on the condition that the house was demolished. The land would be used to build a house for mentally challenged individuals. Grandpa always said that the mentally challenged were such a peaceful lot and that they were guaranteed a place in heaven. It was the breaking point, we signed the papers.

Murphy’s ghost! Or was it, “Le Siffleur a Moreau?” Grandpa had many ghost stories but I was a scared-y cat and so grandma would stop him from telling me the real horrific ones. What I remember well though is that he said that when he crossed over he would come back like old Mrs. So-and-so whose chair rocked after she died. He would play his fiddle, he said, in the little humble house at 20 Cartier.

Grandpa never knew that the house was demolished. He was living at the nursing home at the time. Grandpa never knew that when social services had went public with their plans of building a home for the mentally challenged at 20 Cartier, that the neighbours once again signed a petition. This petition claimed that “they were afraid of the implications of having mental patients as neighbours.” Grandpa never knew that the land that once held his home was abandoned and for sale.

I was thinking about how my grandfather never knew about the demolition of his house and I realized that although I knew about it I didn’t witness the demolition. I had to play the film within to witness it with my inner eyes.
I saw the neighbours with their axes and chainsaws.
I saw them take a first swing, then another and another.
With each blow I felt a deep ache within my heart.
It wasn’t a house they were demolishing, it was a way of life, it was a home with a soul. This home had been a refuge for the weary, the seekers and the pioneers of life. This home had been a center of learning and love and a benchmark of values. As the last of the house succumbed to the will of the demolitionists I was in tears and wrote the following letter to my grandfather in his native tongue.

Lettre a mon grand-père

Pepére, je vais planter un arbre sur ton lot, la ou ta maison étais situé. Depuis les voisins l’ont détruit il y manque la vie. En plus les voisins semblent vouloir arracher tout ce qui reste, « couper l’herbe, enlever les buissons » ils crient. Je refuse enlever la vie Pepére, au contraire, il faudra la réanimé. Alors je vais planter un arbre sur ton lot. Et il grandira juste qu’au ciel. Et j’y grimperais pour te retrouver. Pepére tu pourras peut-être venir a ma rencontre, a mi-chemin? J’ai peur. Je suis tellement seul. Mémére, elle est là avec toi? Je l’entends parfois chanter et toi tu l’accompagnes avec ton violon. Mon père, il est aller visiter? Il faudra que vous gardiez vos instruments bien accorder, toi et lui, pour que tous soient près pour la grande célébration quand enfin ont seras tous réunis de nouveau. Je t’aime Pepére. Je vous aiment tous, fais sur de passer mes saluts, mes caresses et mon amour a tous. En attendant si tu peux veiller sur le petit arbre que je vais planter sur ton lot. A la prochaine.

Ta petite fille, la fille a « poppa »

(Note : I find that a translation of the above loses its emotional value.)

Now I wonder: where does grandpa play his fiddle? Where does grandma sing?
I’ll bet there are still lots of children gathered at their feet.
I find solace in Chief Seattle’s famous words,

"But how can you buy or sell the sky? The land? The idea is strange
to us… If we sell you our land, remember that the air is precious to us,
that the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports. The wind
that gave our grandfather his first breath also receives his last sigh.
The wind also gives our children the spirit of life… This we know:
the earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are
connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of
life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to
himself… (Will there be any of the spirit of my people left?)… We
love this earth as a newborn loves its mother’s heartbeat. So if we sell
you our land, love it as we have loved it… Hold in your mind the memory of
the land as it is when you receive it. Preserve the land for all children and
love it, as God loves us all. "

(Qtd in, The Power of Myth (1988) page 34, by Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers.)

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Vision / Experience

Struck by Lightning

June 11, 1997

The house we were in was struck by lightning. I was in a back room with D. my youngest son. I’d just finished changing his diaper when suddenly I heard a humming sound and the air felt thick. It felt like time stood still. I felt like the hair on my body was being lifted, like gravity had let go and then the room was bathed in a golden light. I didn’t know what was happening so I held D. to my chest and gently rocked him. Then I heard the loud cracking noise and the light had disappeared.

Somehow this experience seems related to further experiences of light which I will post later.

Out of Body Experiences OOBE's

October 12, 1997

I write in my journal about my OOBE’s. In my journal I refer to these experiences as “entering my spirit body.” I go on to explain that this body “feels just like my real body except it is very light and flexible.” I describe two past experiences. One in France where I am a regular at a library and I was leafing through a book called, “The Mysteries of Shaman Sex,” or “The Mysteries of Shaman Sects.” (The book is yellow with blue writing.) The other experience I write that I was traveling through a dark area where I saw eyes and faces. Finally, “I saw a face that looked a lot like the drawings of aliens by alleged abductees. Through the eyes of the alien being I saw a room.” The room was dark and when my eyes adjusted I realized I was in what appeared to be a monk’s cell and a man sat before me behind a wooden desk. There were no lights in the room but the monk’s face glowed. He had long curly hair, a pale face and prominent cheek bones. Then he began to speak inside me. (I could hear him within myself.) In my journal I describe this inner voice, it is a common experience, and I describe it as, “sort of like the voice is penetrating my body and being understood at the core of my spirit.” Then he tells me that I am being shown the 24th principle. (Later I was mistakenly referring to this as the 42nd principle.) He taught me how to read in the dark. He showed me books in the dark and at first I could only see by the glow of his face, but then suddenly my perception changed and I could see from the inside – from within me. (I remember thinking, “this is what was meant in the Bible by ‘for those who have eyes…’”)


Thursday, July 20, 2006


5:30 am, September 8, 1996

Man from the River Jordan

“The man from the River Jordan,” someone said. A group of guides visited us at home while I was conducting an experiment. The experiment involved changing light into matter (not sure of procedure.) Then the group appeared. As I was experimenting a cat ran across the lawn and I was afraid I would transform the cat – but realized that it was impossible because the cat was black and couldn’t absorb (sic) light. The experiment created something shiny, such as silver or a piece of silver jewellery. My husband G. was acting sceptic but really he was afraid, but the guides wanted to talk to him.


July 1997


Dreamt I went or taught a class in a school that the pope attended. My husband G. was Noel or Noah, he was physically disabled but the townspeople said he was possessed / simple / grotesque. (He had a cleft palate.) It was a difficult relationship (because of the people) but I loved him so much and he loved me too. One day I came from the school only to find he had been killed. Every one said he died of natural causes but I knew he had been murdered. After he died I felt so alone, so lonely. I would sit and read his works – he wrote glorious poetry. One day I was sitting on the floor crying out his name, begging him to come back, and then I looked up in front of me in a bookshelf and saw his favourite pen set (one I had bought him) with fancy plumes. (It contained 2 pens, an ink well, extra tips/nibs and a wooden tray.) Somehow seeing that, I must have noticed evidence of murder. I started investigating, I searched the house, and then I looked at school. At a neighbouring school, without affiliation with my school, I discovered that my colleagues were bitter with me; it seemed that they felt I was the Pope’s favourite. Eventually someone tried to kill me – because I must have been close to discovering the murderer and solving the murder. Sometime during all of this I received a “Thank You,” note from the parents of Noah (somehow connected with the Cyr family.) There was something suspicious in the writing (the writing was in calligraphy) like there was a hidden meaning (code.) I was brought before the Pope for a special ceremony – something only a select few were chosen, and rarely women. I was part of a secret society (not sure if Pope was in this society or it was 2 separate groups.) While I was grieving a voice told me to remember the lessons we had been taught (from the secret society) and I was instantly transported to a beautiful country side, in a valley of low rolling hills. There I saw Noah (G.,) he was no longer disfigured, he was all glowing, all around his body was a glowing light, the colour of silver like lightning but soft on the eyes. I realized that the whole valley was glowing – including me. Noah (G.,) said, “Remember this place. You are welcome here anytime,” then he continued to talk about the teachings (which unfortunately I went on to forget upon awaking.)


July 18, 1997


I was handed two books – one having to do with Merlin, and the other was titled, “The Inner Spirit.” The latter was glowing; it was a white book and was glowing red. When I held the book the edges seemed to be emitting red thread-like lights which caused the glowing. I was in a state of awe and debating if I should accept this book.


July 26, 1997

Possessed by Grandpa

(Note: This dream was very vivid.)

I was at my maternal grandparents’ house and walking towards the back door on the wooden sidewalk. In the back, beside the stairs, I saw grandpa’s blue lawn chair. Just as I was going to climb the stairs I noticed a white mist of smoke just above grandpa’s chair. I knew it was him, (in my dream he had recently died.) I sat in his chair and basked in this smoke. Grandpa’s soul was entering my body and I understood what he was saying – without any words being actually said. For an instant, I felt as though he was working through me, I felt my hands widen, although physically they were not transformed. I was him – in a strange way – and yet, still me. Then I walked to the mailbox, my grandma came to see me, I was taking the mail out and handing it to her. There was a bundle of letters, wrapped with an elastic, and a bunch of nail polish samples. Sometime as I was getting the mail – my grandpa had disappeared.

Notes attached to this dream:

When I first saw the smoke I thought it was my grandfather’s pipe but then realized it was him. I breathed in the smoke to let him in. Telepathically he communicated to me that he wanted to see my grandmother one more time and so through me he was able to see her, and experience her. While standing at the mailbox with my grandmother I felt my grandfather communicated with her. In the dream he had just died; a matter of days. In waking reality he did have his favourite lawn chair and in the dream I had suggested that we keep it, and like he had been known to do, to move it in relation to the sun so as to keep it in the shade. After he had communicated with my grandmother he slowly left my body and I felt warm and at peace.